Thursday, August 30, 2007

A Difficult Situation

My mom is in the hospital. She was admitted a couple days ago. She is very sick. I don't know what to do. My siblings didn't tell me, I found out from another family member. Our relationship isn't the best and it's not like we are very close. You see, my mother doesn't like girls. She never has. Growing up I was the youngest and grew up with all brothers.

I've tried to get closer to her as she has aged and figured she might have mellowed out a bit but that hasn't happened. She is full of hatred. Speaks ill about everyone and I am not tolerable of that. Every time I've made an attempt at being civil to her she starts our conversations with gossip and it really brings me down. She moved two months ago and never told me where she'd gone nor did she give me her phone number. I had no way of contacting her.

When I was a young girl I could never go to her with my problems or issues that are so common in a teenager's life. I would be made to feel like a failure. I got an education because I decided I had no choice if I wanted to get somewhere in life. Her support was never there.

I see other women now that have a great relationship with their mothers and I long for that in my life. I guess it just wasn't meant for me to experience that. Because of what I lived through having a mother like I do, I am the exact opposite with my little princess. We go shopping together. We play, we sing, we dance. Most importantly, I let her talk to me and I listen. We take lots and lots of pictures together. We read. We have movie night just the two of us. Not that we go to the movies a lot but rather we put a movie in our DVD player or order one on cable and we make popcorn.

When I'm gone from this world I want my little princess to have good memories of her mommy. I want her to remember the good times so we have a lot of them. Don't get me wrong we still argue at times, after all she is as headstrong as I am. However, every single day, I tell her how much I love her. I never heard that from my mom, not once. I hug my little princess every day too because I never got that either.

Through the years my mother has always tried to do something to hurt me in one way or another. When she tried to meddle into my children's lives and turn them against me, that's when I decided I would not allow her to poison them. When I knew her number I would call her just to check if she needed anything. I would drop by when I knew where she lived to take her food I knew she liked. Even though every time she found something wrong with what I had brought her. And every time it was like someone had slapped me across the face and my spirit was broken. It must be very sad to be so full of anger like she is. I cannot imagine living an entire lifetime like that.

1 comment:

Chic Girl said...

Wow! I was so touched by this post. You were very brave to share. I can relate in alot of ways to this.