Monday, March 3, 2008

My personal struggle as a mom

After I dropped off my son at school today, I began to think about where I'm going with my life. It was the usual start to a Monday morning...drop the teenager type off at college, go pick up some groceries and then head home put the groceries away and start preparing lunch, picking up my son then go home and feed both kids and myself. Another boring, extremely dull day. I moaned about the rainy weather and the cold. I despise going anywhere when it's raining; especially grocery shopping where I know I will be soaking wet after loading and unloading the groceries. I even complained about the lady at Braums not being quick enough for me while she gave me my Dr. Pepper.

Then, in the back of my mind, I thought about how I wished I were still working at my old job where I could still talk to adults on a daily basis. I thought about the extra money I could be making. The fun stuff I could be doing. Daily lunches with my friends and co-workers. Shopping at Galleria during lunch. Being compensated for my time. Wow, that sounded so great to me. What possessed me to leave my job over a year ago? I had good benefits, a good paycheck for the minimal work I did and a really nice boss that spoiled me and let me get away with a lot of things most bosses don't.

As I drove home my thoughts went down a totally different path. It was like an alter ego was saying how lucky I was that I don't have to go to work and drive an hour each way in the horrible traffic among crazy drivers. How lucky I am to sleep late if I so wish and to not have the common problems that go along with a job outside the home; no rushing around, no stress, no having to make excuses for being out when my children are sick. No remorse for leaving them when they are sick and I'm out of sick days at work and I must pull my daughter away from me as she cries for me to stay home with her.

Can we use the money? Are you kidding me, who couldn't use a few extra thousand dollars a month? One thing's for sure, I've learned recently, the more money we have the less we save. Because oh, it'll be fine, we can afford it. We have two incomes. Little do we realize that it is never enough and we would be surprised at how little money we could actually live off.

I was thinking that I have a house that's bigger than we really need. Two cars, one of which is new. I have every hobby I could ever want in my very own crafting room. I got my dream of homeschooling my kids. I am lucky that I can stay at home without having to worry about how we are going to pay our bills on time. We are healthy. My husband is lucky to have a great job that he enjoys going to every day to pay for all of it. We are living the American dream!

So why then was I whining? Because in our me, me, me world we often forget that it isn't what we have or how happy we feel we must be but instead how we deal with the hand life has dealt us. I realized that it wasn't luck that found me where I am today but a divine blessing...many divine blessings. How many women would give their eyeteeth to be in the position that I am in right now? Amazing how we can solve our own problems or what we see as problems, when we delve further and deeper into our own minds and hearts. The most important lesson that I learned today, however, is that even in my wild delusions of self-imposed pity, I recognized that the alter ego I thought was speaking to me was really the gentle voice of God.

Thank you, Lord, for all the blessings you shower me and my family with on a daily basis. Please forgive my ignorance and stupidity for not recognizing them when they hit me right smack in the middle of my face. Teach me how to listen to your voice and give me the wisdom needed to know and follow your direction, always.


N Dyess said...

What a testimony! I am sure you have managed to say what most moms wish they could but wouldn't know how or if they should. Your honesty and thoughts are refreshing. God is even able to use us when we feel our lowest by drawing us back to him through that still quiet voice. When we can share as you did, we have the ability to show others how Great He is and how much we need Him. You go girl!

Anonymous said...


Blings and Girly Things said...

This comment is from a friend named Sara...she emailed it to me as she has no account and cannot post on here. I told her I would post it for her. Thank you, Sara, for your input; it is most appreciated.

Hey Diane! I can't comment on your blog, but I wanted to Thank You for your awesome post yesterday! Such great words! When I left my job a couple of years ago to be a stay at home Mom, I worried if it was the right decision. Our Awesome God gave me a peace like you wouldn't believe about the situation and I knew that home is exactly where he wanted me! It hasn't always been easy (especially financially) but the time I get with my son and husband is irreplacable. Thanks for such an honest look on something most (if not all) stay at home Moms struggle with!